DO this: – Page 6 – Deep Green Crystals

DO This: 15 Minutes of Honesty re: goals/action alignment

We all tell stories about ourselves. One of mine is “my actions are very aligned with my goals and values.” A smile and a burst of confidence appear every time this story passes through my neurons. Sometimes, though, the red pill (reality) can slap that stupid grin right off my face. This morning reality slapped me. Hard. Usually I just shrug it off and keep going. Today I decided to learn something.

So, being a data nerd, I developed a quick honesty exercise which produces ONE actionable item with high probability of getting your goals/values/actions back into alignment. Kind of like a Chiropractor for your brain. Similar to the Recover Your Grit exercise, but this one is bite sized exercise and can be done in 15 minutes.

Backround:

My morning routine of work-out, meditation, morning pages, etc. usually takes about an hour and a half. This morning it took 3 hours. Yea, that is right, 50% dilly dallying. Now I am not one of those “got to be productive 100% of the day” guys, but 50% waste is excessive by any measure. Usually I tell myself I am too busy to do the analysis, the job is too big, not that much time was wasted, etc. But do I really have a more important thing to do than figure out where 50% of my time went and how to get that time back (if I want to)? So here is what I did:

The 15 minutes of Honesty in Actions Exercise:

When the red pill of reality slaps you in the face (“Oh shit, I think I just wasted a bunch of time!”), do this exercise immediately. It works best if the period of time is less than a day. Say a couple of hours, or even a whole work day. But not more. If the time interval is too large, you won’t remember enough details to be helpful. Also you must do it immediately or your memory will start to re-write the facts and the analysis will be less truthful.

Take out a pad of paper. Yes paper and pen. Turn your phone off. Walk away from the computer to a quiet place with a desk and a chair. No technology to distract during the exercise. Remember you only need 15 minutes then you can go back to being so busy you can’t take time to get less busy.:)

At the top of the first page, write the date and time period you want to analyze that just felt like it got hijacked. For me a recent one was a three hour period from 6-9 am Monday Sept 26, 2016 at my house in Seattle Washington. Name the primary activity that was supposed to be going on then. For me, recently, it was my morning routine. It could be a project you were supposed to be working on, time with the family, etc. Underneath this heading, draw a horizontal line across the page and a line down the middle to separate the page into two columns. On the top of the left column write “On Point Actions”, on the right write “Not On Point Actions”. If you are feeling spunky (as I was) you can add to the right column “distractions/shiny objects” or any other colorful characterization of the things that tend to take you off task.

Now rewind your mind back to the beginning of the time period you are analyzing and roll forward minute by minute remembering everything you did. Those things that were on point write in the left column and put the number of minutes you did each of them. Those things that were off point write them in the right column with minutes associated with each of those. Add up the minutes on the left and the right. They must total the interval you are analysing (in my case 3 hours). If they don’t you are missing something, go back and add more actions or time to the actions you already have. When I did this exercise, I need a second page for the shiny objects/distractions because there were so many of them. Here are the pages from a recent exercise I did.

Often when writing down an action that I was doing, I realized that starting one action actually lead to other actions. So for these items, I put an indentation below listing the follow on actions that happened because I started the primary action. For example “read email” turned into “buy electric pulse exercise suit from Indiegogo for $1,450”, register for a conference, download some pictures, and unsubscribe from three newsletters. While we all know that email can be a rathole, the depth and breadth of that rathole can be hidden until we actually do an exercise like this which catalogues exactly what happened in email. This exercise is very good to highlight how actions are linked together and which “master actions” like “email” and “check facebook” and “check stocks” and “check Instagram” can lead to much greater time diversions than your brain originally planned.

When you are finished and the minutes match on each column to the total time you are analysing, then summarize at the bottom of the page what happened. Calculate the ratio of on point and off point time. Add in any other consequences of the off point actions (like in my case money spent buying things that were not originally on my list at the beginning of the time). My recent results were 1:35/1:25 and $1,550 unplanned spending. 47% not on point. Now at the bottom of the page of the right column, make a list of the top 5 things that got you off point with the most number of minutes. For me these were: check email, check facebook, check stocks, text people, mess around with apps on phone and daydream. Now see if there is a common root cause, or enabling event/technology between any of these actions. For me, 5 of the six were related to the iPhone. So I grouped these and wrote “iPhone” next to that group.

So what is the #1 thing I can do to re-align my actions during the morning routine with my goals and make that time as much on-point as possible? Turn off the damn iPhone during that time. Nothing I normally do in the morning routine requires the phone (by design). Now when you do the exercise you may have another action or enabling technology that distracts you. Maybe the TV, or other chores around the house, or children, or going shopping. Whatever takes you off task. The point here, is to sit down and make the list in excruciating detail. Add up the minutes. Account for every one. Note the other unintended actions ( money spent, etc.) Honesty and authenticity is the goal of this little red pill. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.

Until I did this exercise, I had let my monkey mind convince me that having a phone always near by was productive and ultimately allowing me to get more done in the day. But this exercise in honesty and drilling down to every minute laid bare the reality that much time was wasted chasing shiny things and doing non critical things. Some of them I maybe would have done anyway, but the point is that I could always choose to do them later. Allowing the monkey mind to indulge the shiny objects in the middle of other time which my goals say should be dedicated to another activity just made that activity longer and less productive. In the end multitasking has often left me with a longer list of unfinished projects. This exercise documents this in detail so that your monkey mind can not ignore the data any longer. You have the paper. Your hand wrote the lists. You have re-lived the diversions and productive time in detail. You truly understand the difference. Next time you conscious mind will have a reference point to make a more informed decision of whether to indulge the monkey mind or not. You also have One concrete intervention (which you can use or not, up to you) which has a high probability of keeping the monkey mind at bay during time you want dedicated to on-point actions in support of goals.

Frequency:

I do this exercise whenever I have a flash of realization that I am off track with actions and goals. I have done it three times in the last month. Each time a different proximate cause and intervention has surfaced.

Science:

I created this exercise myself, so this specific technique has not been studied (as far as I know), but this is part of the quantified self, although most of that literature is around sensor data. Part of the “know thyself” world. The more you are honest and authentic with yourself, the better able you are to get where you want to be in life. This exercise is similar to some the work in Cognitive Behavior Therapy to discover automatic thoughts. Much of that scholarly work is hoarded by the information bandits who hold our mental health hostage behind research grants funded by taxpayers, so we are left to figure out our own exercises.

This is a small, manageable way to get some insight. And it is free from me to you. There is no downside.

DO This: Morning Pages

Morning Pages is a tool promoted by Julie Cameron in her Artist Way book as a daily practice for anyone interested in creativity, not just writers. This guy also describes the practice very well. Basically first thing in the morning, right after waking up, before you get going with the day, while you are still in that in-between mind state, write for 15 minutes in stream of consciousness style. Just whatever comes out. Cameron recommends using pen and paper in a journal. I did the hand journal for about a month and a half, then moved the practice over at 750words.com since I can do it on my smart phone in bed and get some interesting analytics (data nerd alert). I am going back to pen and paper to slow it down again and get away from the distractions inherent in working on a screen.

I have been doing Morning Pages for about three months now. Concrete results from doing morning pages:

1. I produce 3x the writing as before. Basically I believe doing the 15 minutes of work right in the morning in the alpha brain wave stage sets up a creative foundation for the day. I find later when I sit down to write a blog post or something else it comes easier and more clear. Even if the topics are completely different.

2. Greater understanding of the dream world in relation to the real world. Since mp are done in that waking up phase while your dreams are still somewhat present, I have noticed that more of my dreams are making it onto the pages. That brings their content into the conscious. Without mp the dreams were forgotten. There was no mechanism to connect the two worlds. There is a lot of understanding going on in the dream world. Good to get it up to the surface.

3. I have built confidence overall. Basically it is about 15 minute job each day. I can find 15 minutes. If I can find 15 minutes for mp i can find 15 minutes for something else.

4. More creativity in general. Even if you are not a writer, or trying to write, mp is a creative exercise. Often times, solutions to issues reveal themselves in morning pages spontaneously. A motorcycle maintenance solution popped in the other day. As did a stream of good names for a new web site. And a landscaping solution. Creative solutions in diverse areas of my life, nothing to do with writing.

5. More clarity to the day: Doing a brain dump first thing in the morning is kind of like a clean sweep. You can get all the monkey mind thoughts and inner critic out on the page and start new.

Other Observations:

Long Hand VS on a device: I did both. Started out long hand, three pages in a note book. It was hard to use my hands that way after such a long time on the keyboard. It felt very slow and I had the desire to want to use some of the writing later, or do analytics on it. So after awhile I moved the practice to 750Words.com. Very good interface, good device support, challenges to keep you on task, merit badges, and some interesting analytics. While I gained the ability to write on more devices, to share the work, and the analytics my nerd desired, I lost some of the soul of the exercise. Writing long hand is slower and that is good. You have to actually slow down your brain to your hand speed. You also don’t have a web browser or other apps there to quickly engage with in diversions that come up during the writing. When I write long hand with the phone and computer off, I begin and end the exercise without distractions 99% of the time within 20 minutes. 750words has a handy analytic of start, stop times and words written over time. Using 750words I have completed the words in less than 20 minutes less than 40 percent of the time. Due to the ease of indulging distractions on a device, my productivity goes way down.

What to write about. Some people structure their writing. Two pages on this, one on that, etc. I have done it with and without structure. What I find is that without structure many times the stream can get stuck and I end up filling up space with mumbo jumbo words. That is especially true on 750words where the word count at the bottom of the screen is menacing you the whole time. If you are sitting there staring at the page, just start writing about staring at the page. And why the exercise is so hard. Then write your to-do list. If you run out of inner critic stuff, or lingering to-do items, start writing about what you are going to do today,. Meetings, people, events, etc. If I get stalled (rarely), I just ask “Today would be so awesome if….” and start again. Never fails.

There are many twists on how to do Morning Pages. Here is exactly how I do it.

I get up (without an alarm so it is a natural time to awake), take a cold shower, dress, make a cup of coffee, then sit down at a desk to write morning pages. Leave your phone in another room. Do NOT sit in the same room as a computer or any electronic device connected to the internet. I write morning pages at a desk because writing by hand in my lap gets uncomfortable after 10 minutes. I write before meditating as I have found the clearing out of MP helps deepen the meditation. I write the pages longhand (not on computer anymore see above) in a notebook that I put aside and never open again. I try to make my only distraction picking up the coffee cup or stretching my fingers.

Pro tip for the to-do list addicted among us: Put a small sticky note on the desk next to your journal. When something comes up that you want to add to your to-do list, write it down there. DO NOT allow your device with the to-do list app to be there, that rathole enabler will distract you. At the end of the session, transcribe the valuable things from the post it notes to your regular to do system, or simply get them done. This one upgrade has alleviated the major objection my monkey mind had to not having a device within hands reach – all those amazing inspirational to-do items that came up during morning pages. There will be a lot. But this post-it note system ensures they don’t become a rathole of wasted time.

FREQUENCY:

Do every day for 30 days. Contemplate the effect on your life. Continue if positive. Overall, Morning Pages has earned a place in my morning routine due to the clear benefits I have noticed in my life. It is the second best ROI on 20 minutes I have during the day (#1 being meditation).

SCIENCE:

Normally on Try This exercises, I reference any science I can find behind the exercise. I can’t find any scientific studies on MP. But there are hundreds of positive reviews and testimonials on-line. While I have a proclivity for evidence based solutions, when the evidence is my own experience, I honor that.

DO This: 10 minutes of REAL conversation

This exercise is a combination of active listening and free flow creativity that has popped up in a couple of quite diverse events recently, including the Search Inside Yourself newsletter, a mediation retreat and a Catholic mens group. Every time I do this exercise I learn something new and grow the relationship with the other person.

Grab a friend, lover, acquaintance, or even a random stranger (I did this once at a coffee shop and it was an AMAZING thing), and take 10 minutes to do the following:

Be in a place where you can hear each other clearly and there will not be interruptions and you will not be self-conscious. Flip a coin to see who starts. Set a timer for three minutes. Each person 3 minutes to talk, while the other listens mindfully without comment. The initial talking should be done stream of consciousness style – without editing or overthinking. Talk about anything, the weather, what you are doing in the day, how stupid the exercise is, the silly looking person across the room, whatever, the key is to just keep talking non-stop for 3 minutes. As you speak, simply notice what emotions arise, what you say and how you say it. The key is to listen mindfully without interrupting and to share without self-critique or editing. After both have spoken, spend the last 3 minutes in normal conversation together debriefing and reflecting on the exercise.

When I have done this, it is amazing how long talking for three minutes feels like. It is also interesting to note all the feelings that come up while trying to fill 3 minutes. When listening, I find myself striving to jump in and encourage someone having a hard time filling the time, or wanting to comment on something. It takes focused effort to allow the speaker to speak. When speaking and having someone paying full attention for 3 minutes, it is an amazing gift. Likely those 3 minutes are the most time during that day that you will be consciously aware you have another beings FULL AND UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. That is an amazing blessing and reminds me to give that level of attention to others more often.

DO this: Trade your expectations for appreciation.

Want a formula for instant wealth?

Trade your expectations for appreciation.

Your entire life will change in that instant. In my experience, lack of appreciation is the only thing that will make you truly poor. I personally define “wealth” as “having enough.” When you have enough of anything, you are wealthy in that thing. Only you can decide when you have “enough.” Unfortunately many of us let others (society, family, friends, work) decide what “enough” is.

I know what you are thinking. Webster defines “wealth” as “a large amount of money and possessions.” Yes, but further on it says “abundant supply”. Now that leaves room for judgement of what “abundant” is as well as supply of what? When your life has an abundant supply of expectations, goals, precursors to fulfillment, it is VERY hard to feel wealthy. You never admit to yourself that you have “enough.”

Appreciation on the other hand works exactly the opposite way. When you have an “abundant supply” of appreciation, it is VERY hard to NOT feel wealthy. You see the value in everything you have and do not pine after more. You have “enough.”

So try it for a day. Whenever you find yourself feeling the pull of expectations, stop and replace it with appreciation. For example, you see a guy in a Ferrari and the expectation that you want one too grabs your brain. Stop, look around your own car. Is it better than the car you had 10 years ago? Appreciate it. Thank the car you have for being there for you. Bam! You are wealthy.

You cannot change the world, but you can change how you react to it.

DO This: Your Character Strengths Revealed!

If Pop-up does not show. CLICK HERE FOR CHARACTER STRENGTH REVEALED.

DO This: 5 step Life Purpose Statement Generator!

I just created this one myself. Super fun brain teaser! If pop-up does show CLICK HERE

DO This: Recover your Grit

Someone recently asked me : “How do I recover the grit and will to succeed in life I had a long time ago, but I lost over time?”

As someone who has had a +/- net worth swing of over $500M in the last 15 years, this question, unfortunately, I know something about. Rediscovery of yourself is also a happy side effect of taking the Red Pill.

Grit is the magic combination of perseverance and passion. Put that on top of above average intelligence, some money and your social network and BINGO : success in life. See where you are on the GRIT scale today by taking the assessment. Personally, Grit is not something I can keep applying over the long term (say 10 + years) without burn out. Grit takes ALOT of energy. It is easy to loose without quite a bit of resilience. The good news is most everyone has the CAPACITY for GRIT for certain things. If you feel you once “had grit” and have “lost grit”, I suggest you do the following:

1. Go back to the time you “had grit”. What were you doing? Why were you doing it? With whom? What about that time/activity gave you the extra passion to put in the extra effort? The purpose here is not to re-create the same conditions in the past, rather to become aware of what they were.

2. In remembering and reliving the time you “had grit”, write down as many specific feelings that come up about those times. I find it helpful to use a detailed feeling list like this one. (who knew there were more feelings than “happy” and “angry”?)

3. Now roll forward to today and take an assessment of how your current life is going by doing some self assessment tests like these. Pay most attention to the values exercises and strengths/weaknesses.

4. Next, create a list of all activities you are doing today within a week that take more than one hour of your time. Here is one I did way back in 2005 as an excel spreadsheet. My typical week Jan 2005. List work, family commitments, raising children, volunteering, sleep, workout, etc. Next to each activity, put the number of hours a week you do that activity. The total must be 168 hours. Add to this list three activities off your “if only i had the time” list. The things you believe you would love to do, or would be good at if you only had time to get around to them.

5. Take the top five positive feelings you felt way back when you had grit (from step 2) and write them down on the left side of a piece of paper. On the right side list all the activities from step 4, including the “if only” items, from the greatest time suck to the least. Now draw lines from each feeling word to each activity that also produces that feeling. Write the number of feeling connections made next to each activity. Here is one of mine from today:

6. What activities on the right are related to the most number of positive feelings from the previous “success state”? Those are the activities to peruse to regain a feeling of success. In my recent exercise, the top 5 positive “success” feelings were, flowing, appreciative, curious, helpful and balanced. The top three activities which created those feelings were “teaching my kids a life lesson, helping them”, “sharing my life lessons with friends/others”, and surf/harley/take a month off every six months.

It is important to remember that “success” and the “feeling of success” may be different things. What you are capable of generating grit for may not result in “success” as defined eternally. It is important to note that what feels like success may not pay the bills of life. If that is your situation, you need to then decide how much of the bills you are willing to give up in order to live more in line with your feelings of success. What you choose to apply grit to very definitely feeds your soul in a successful way. I define success today at 52 much differently than when I was 30. I am not trying to recreate the “success” of my 30s, rather define success into my 50s and beyond.

DO This: My favorite quotes on living well

MY OWN THOUGHTS:

“You are what you do, not what you dream.” Martin Tobias

“If you are only a consumer, you will always lack wealth.” Martin Tobias

“Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.” Martin Tobias

“When I can buy anything I want and decide to buy nothing, that is something.” Martin Tobias

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.” Martin Tobias

“Have a budget for all the fucks you give.” Martin Tobias

“Not making a decision IS a decision.” Martin Tobias

“Tranquility is achieved through equality, not superiority” . Martin Tobias

“The journey is the destination.” Martin Tobias

“Do not be the tilt you want to take advantage in the world.” Martin Tobias

“The past doesn’t matter and the future doesn’t exist. The only thing that matters is doing the next right thing.” Martin Tobias

“Truth” is determined by your frame (stories). You can choose your frames.” Martin Tobias

“Judgements are not the Truth. They can’t be. They are opinions.” Martin Tobias

“Science is an analogy, a theory.” Martin Tobias

FROM OTHERS:

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” Mark Twain

What important truth do very few people agree with you on?” Peter Thiel

“Not making a decision is a decision.” Terry Rose, my highschool debate team teacher.

“Non action is action.” Tai Chi.

“The half life of any negative state is incredibly short.” Sam Harris.

“Be scared. You can’t help that. But don’t be afraid.” Faulkner.

“The ideal psychic state is not something to be newly made or created but experienced with the removal of those accretions which have hidden and thus prevented a realization of the self which we already are.” Pierre Hadot

“Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life.” Mandy Hale,

“All of humanity’s problems stem from our inability to sit quietly in a room.” Blaise Pascal.

“You will never find yourself in what you have built to define yourself.” Untethered Soul

“If you take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.” The Matrix

“It is all just stuff that has to be done. So do it.” Linda Treger (former therapist)

“Put fear in its place – as and advisor, not the captain.” The Flinch (book)

“Be like water my friend” Bruce Lee

“The master should have the selling habit, not the buying habit.” Cato the Elder

“Distraction destroys Destiny” . Sachen Patel

“Sometimes it’s a little better to travel than to arrive”. Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values.

“A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time”, Mark Twain.

“The thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.” Soren Kierkegaard.

“Work is about the search, too, for daily meanings well as daily bread, for recognition as well as for cash, for astonishment rather than torpor; in short, for a sort of life rather than a Monday through Friday sort of dying.” Studs Terkel, Working.

“One swallow does not a summer make, nor one fine day; similarly one day or brief time of happiness does not make a person entirely happy.” Aristotle

“When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.” Seneca.

“It is no exaggeration to say that every human being is hypnotized to some extent either by ideas he has uncritically accepted from others or ideas he has repeated to himself or convinced himself are true. These negative ideas have exactly the same effect upon our behavior as the negative ideas implanted into the mind of a hypnotized subject by a professional hypnotist.”
― Maxwell Maltz, Psycho-Cybernetics, A New Way to Get More Living Out of Life

“In a car you’re always in a compartment, and because you’re used to it you don’t realize that through that car window everything you see is just more TV. You’re a passive observer and it is all moving by you boringly in a frame.

On a cycle the frame is gone. You’re completely in contact with it all. You’re in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming.”
― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values

“Always pass on what you have learned.” Yoda

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” Yoda

“You will find only what you bring in.” Yoda

“Just keep swimming.”, Dori, Finding Nemo

“The happy man is not he who seems thus to others, but who seems thus to himself.” Publilius Syrus.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” John Pierpont “J.P.” Morgan

“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder.” Thomas Carlyle

“The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent, but if we can come to terms with this indifference, then our existence as a species can have genuine meaning. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” Stanley Kubrick.

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

“Don’t believe everything you think.”
― Byron Katie

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them”
― Byron Katie

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop and look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt.

“We have two lives. The first life and the second life after you realize you only have one life.” unattributed.

“There are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants; and the other is getting it.” Oscar Wilde.

“Be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful” Warren Buffet.

“Objective judgment, now at this very moment.
Unselfish action, now at this very moment.
Willing acceptance – now at this very moment – of all external events.
That’s all you need.”
Marcus Aurelius

“Our actions may be impeded … but there can be no impeding our intentions or dispositions. Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle of our acting.

The impediment to action advances action.
What stands in the way becomes the way.”
Marcus Aurelius

“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts.” Marcus Aurelius

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” -Thoreau

“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” -Richard Feynman

Epictetus asked the question: “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?”

“You shouldn’t give circumstances the power to rouse anger, for they don’t care at all.” – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.38

“You are not your body and hair style, but your capacity for choosing well. If your choices are beautiful, so too will you be.” Epictetus discourses 3.1.39b-40a

“We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.” Epictetus.

“You become what you give your attention to…if you yourself don’t choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will.” Epictetus.

Alan Watts: “To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim, you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do, you will sink and drown. Instead, you relax and float.”

“If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” Henry Ford.

“For such a small price, I buy tranquillity,” Epictetus’s line about ignoring small slights.

Philosophy,” Juvenal wrote, “by degrees, peels off most of our follies and vices, first shows us what’s right.”

“It is not that life is short, it is that we waste alot of it.” Seneca

“Certainty is created within YOU not by your environment.” Tony Robbins

“Beating the competition is relatively easy. Beating yourself is a never ending commitment.” No finish line. Nike ad

“The duty of a man is to be useful to his fellow men; if possible to be useful to many of them; failing this, to be useful to a few; failing this, to be useful to his neighbors, and failing them, to himself; for when he helps others, he advances the general interests of mankind.” Seneca

“A rock thrown in the air, it loses nothing by coming down, gained nothing by going up.” Marcus Aurelius.

“Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising us the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. The whole future lies in uncertainty; live immediately.” SENECA

From Kim-An Williams, wife of my friend Matt Williams who died young after a long battle with cancer. “I did not like being sick, but I did realize some important things through that experience. One especially important lesson I learned is NEVER TO ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE’S STORY. Everyone has something that they struggle with in life. Everyone understands what it means to miss someone that they love. You will meet lots of different people in your life, and not all of them will share your experience of having a mom who died when they were young, but they might have a different experience that can help them to relate to how you feel. You become a stronger person when you really understand what it means to be sad and what it means to be happy. You will be able to help other people understand their own sadness and happiness too.”

“Knowledge can be conveyed, but not wisdom. It can be found, it can be lived, it is possible to be carried by it, miracles can be per-formed with it, but it cannot be expressed in words and thoughts.” Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse

“There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so” . Shakespeare Hamlet

“In war, the moral is to the physical as three is to one.” Napoleon

“Complaining isn’t a strategy. You have to work with the world as you find it, not as you would have it to be.” Jeff Bezos

“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today” . Abraham Lincoln

“For countless generations our biochemical system adpated to increase our chances of survival and reproduction, not our happiness.” Homo Deus

“A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.” Lao Tzu

DO This: How I prepare for conflict situations

Monday was haircut day. I mean seriously dude? Cut that hair.

Ok, I have been busy. Conflict. I am getting there. As I walked into Rudy’s on Capital Hill (no I didn’t use the damn app to book an appointment – you shouldn’t need a damn appointment for a barber shop), a buddy of mine was sitting in the chair finishing up. I had been thinking about this friend lately and meaning to connect. Love that about Seattle. The desk guy said it would be a half hour wait, so I ask my buddy if he has time for a coffee. He says “How about a beer? Or five?” Seeing as it was well past noon (around 2:30) I say “Sure.”

Turns out my friend was staring down the barrel of a potentially explosive rendezvous with his girlfriend on Thursday who he had the distinct impression was trying to dump him in the middle of a bunch of other shit at work. He had about a dozen tactical offensive strategies tumbling around in his head and wanted some advice. Less than half a beer in it was clear that his monkey mind was in full-blown panic. Summoning my best practices over the years I directed him toward strategies I have found successful. Three beers later (thankfully it didn’t take all five) we had agreed on an approach which was not originally on his list and in fact was about 180 degrees from the direction he was going.

This episode has caused me to think about and organize (somewhat) my thoughts on how to prepare for upcoming potential conflict. Here goes.

While every type of potential conflict has a different fact pattern, I have found that this framework can significantly reduce the fireworks and generate a greater percentage of “win-win” (hate that term) results. I have used this basic approach both when I am the instigator/aggressor of the conflict (firing a poor performing employee, talking to a family member about money, collecting a debt, etc.) and when I suspect to be the target of aggression (the board member wants an impromptu “update” on company performance, the girlfriend wants to “talk”, a key employee wants to “have a coffee” just before bonus time, my daughter says “dad, do you have a minute?”).

The Old way: Outcome Oriented Offense.

Until very recently, my normal response to impending conflict/danger was:

Delay/Deflect. Try to avoid conflict at all costs. Change the subject. Move the meeting. Deny everything. Cut the conversation short. Have sex instead. Turn on the TV. Take a trip. Bring up a much larger problem involving someone else. This avoided 60-70% of the conflict.

If defensive fails, move to offense.

Ready. Figure out who/what was the threat. Demonize them. Remind myself of my superiority and righteousness.

Aim. Plan an offensive attack. Rehearse all the reasons I was right. Be clear on what I wanted/needed out of the situation. Be prepared to fight to the death for the win.

Fire. Go in with guns blazing. Do not listen (that is weakness) or only listen as a delay/distraction tactic. When faced with arguments that diverged from my own beliefs, double down on beliefs, say them louder. Win with superior force, will and might. Win at all costs. Never retreat.

Move on. If I win, gloat. Do not be gracious in victory, maybe even flip the looser off, give them a kick in the ass out the door. If I lose, cut that person/thing out of my life as irrelevant and continue on with my own original beliefs intact. Conflict was not a learning experience, it was win/loose. Win/Win is just what winners say, not an actual desired outcome. Keep moving at all cost.

This was basically the approach my friend was taking to his upcoming potential conflict with the girlfriend. This approach is very outcome oriented – Win, stay alive. In certain existential situations (war with a clear enemy trying to kill you, the tiger trying to eat you) our natural fight of flight response serves us very well. Unfortunately about 95% of the conflicts we face are not truly existential, yet we tend to respond as if they are.

The New way: Process oriented empathy and understanding.

I have heard many people express a fear that focusing on process over outcomes (taking your eye off the ball) will lead to less goal achievement. In my experience stacking up a bunch of wins while everyone else looses eventually leaves the winner very alone, unfulfilled and wondering what went wrong. This process orientation strengthens my life force and my interpersonal network rather than weakening it through solo victories and cutting off the looser.

Here is what I (try) to do these days which I have found to be much more successful in resolving conflict (I still hate “win/win”). Occasionally I even learn something or grow (imagine that). This approach is definitely preferred with anyone who you must continue to deal with over time (family, friends, co-workers). Fewer people will feel like you are an asshole. Even a few may appreciate your problem solving skills and want to hang out more often (a particular benefit with the girl/boyfriend).

When facing a potential conflict situation:

Prepare. Get the facts straight. Focus on the facts. Try to remove any judgement or critique about the situation. Answer these questions for yourself. In fact write them down on one side of a blank piece of paper.

What do I think happened (or is going to happen)? If the boss calls you into the office and you start catastrophizing that he may want to fire you, ask this question. What really happened? He asked for a meeting. Nothing more.
What feelings are you having about the situation? Name every feeling you are having. Use a feeling list. Believe it or not there are more feelings that fear and anger and happiness. Keep away from judgments about the feelings.
What do I want out of this situation? Not the tactics, like I want the fight to be over as soon as possible. Or I want to win. What is your real motivation here? What is your deepest desire for an outcome here? Do I want to win against my girlfriend, or do I want us to grow in understanding of each other? Again do not judge. One good tactic is imagine the optimal outcome of the conflict and list the feelings you would have about the outcome and the other person involved (yes another feeling list is useful). You may decide you just want the win and don’t give a shit about the consequences. Just be crystal clear.

Now do the same for the other person who will be in the conflict. Write those down on the other side of the paper. Exercise your empathy muscle. While you can’t absolutely know someone else’s motivation, their feelings or what they want, you can certainly try to figure it out. Many conflicts have started over misunderstandings and without clear motivations on either side. While some differences are irreconcilable, the severity and intensity of conflict can be significantly minimized when there is empathy for the opposition.

Listen First. Especially if you are on the receiving end of the aggression. Put your own feelings and desires aside and listen. Really fucking listen. Do not interrupt. Keep eye contact. Nod your head. Yea some call it “active listening“, but you damn well know how it feels when someone is really paying attention to you. Do that. Put your own thoughts aside, especially if you are a guy and constantly want to jump in and solve the problem. There will be plenty of time for that.

Focus on understanding. In the “old way” I listened as a delaying tactic, as a rope a dope while I prepared the main offensive attack. Don’t do that. Stay curious. Is what you are hearing what you expected from the person during your preparation? Do you really understand what feelings, needs and desires they have? Do you really understand what they want out of the situation? Keep the judgement out. Even if what you understand they want is totally fucking stupid and useless. Try to dig down the real basic needs being expressed not the surface needs. For example if your girlfriend says “I just need you to take out the trash once in a while” the old me would be just like “sure I can do that” end of conversation. If you focus on understand what is really underneath the requests, you might get to the core issue. Like “I need to feel loved or appreciated.” Often times the real needs and motivations are buried under hurt, distrust and layers of daily details. Focus on understanding the true needs and motivations. Focus on understanding not winning. The “win” is the understanding.

Remain mindful. This could be the first step, or a step that underlies the entire situation. Basically stay awake and engaged with listening/understanding. Your monkey mind will want to bust in with your own feelings, needs, wants, desires, solutions. Your monkey mind will want to tune everything out as it prepares offense. Stay focused. There is time for everything the monkey mind wants to do, but your goal here is to stay focused on process not outcome.

Pro Tip: For the Really BIG conflicts, the ones much further down the existential fear scale, you should employ role-playing. Talk the situation and your approach through with a friend, mentor or in extreme circumstances, actually role play with them. Start the expected conversation and play the scene through. This is what Presidential candidates do for the big debates. For big conflicts, this investment will pay off.

What often happens to me in armed conflict situations when I deploy the process oriented approach is that the opposition is quickly disarmed and we start working together from a position of empathy on a solution we are both happy with. In situations where mutual happiness is not possible (firing an employee, breaking up with the girlfriend, collecting the debt), the wounds of the conflict are significantly reduced. No one limps away mortally wounded. The opposition may be wounded but they probably still have their dignity. Over time they may even appreciate the conflict as a turning point. Today’s looser needs to have the confidence and ability to be tomorrows winner. The world is not well served by armies of wounded losers zombie walking through life.

Sometimes with all the empathy and understanding of the other’s needs, I still can’t give them what they want. I can’t keep the employee. I can’t take out the trash. But with the understanding and empathy the parties can leave the conflict feeling understood. Feeling that they were not steamrolled. Far fewer grudges arise later. The Process Orientation of conflict resolution still has an outcome. The negative outcome you fear may still happen. In many ways there is still a winner and loser. But there is less damage to both sides.

Well that certainly is much more organized than the three beer advice I gave my buddy, and it was produced with coffee instead, but I am happy with it. I certainly will admit to having changed my approach to conflict over time and the results are 10x better when the process approach is deployed. Meditation is the superpower that has given me the ability to pause and choose a strategy. While sometimes I may still choose the “old way”, I know have an option and the skill to choose. Those have been steps in the right direction.

DO this: Breath exercises + Cold shower = improved immune response and more GRIT

Image result for cold shower

A couple of years ago I read that taking a cold shower first thing in the morning would be good for me (yea right). I recently found a fairly lively “cold showers are bullshit” contingency out there, so time for a second look. Breathing exercises (a mix of hyper ventilation and holding the breath) have also been bantered about among my climbing, surfing and yoga friends for various health benefits. The major proponent of combining these (with an emphasis on the cold parts) is a crazy Dutchman named Wim Hof. He has even commercialized his “method” if you have an extra $200 to spare. There is some third-party validation SCIENCE behind the practice (a necessity for me to try anything). He recently did an AMA on Reddit which is quite self promotional, but fairly educational. I found an abbreviated explanation of a morning ritual version of the “method” in the June issue of Outside Magazine. For the last week I have been doing this every morning. Here is an explanation of my “modified Hof method” and a first impression.

METHOD: The Martin Tobias modified Hof method of breathing and cold immersion.

Follow these steps in the morning immediately before picking up a device, having coffee, eating, or training. Initially do it lying down, with a friend near by who you trust enough to hear you scream like a little girl.

Lie on the ground/floor (not in your bed).
Inhale deeply but not quickly, pulling in as much air as you can. When you think your lungs are full, suck in some more.
Exhale fully but not quickly (you may pass out); simply let the breath out.
Repeat in/out for 30 to 40 rounds at whatever pace is comfortable. If you start to feel light-headed, slow down.
On the last round, exhale and then hold your breath until your body feels the need to breathe. For me this is about 1-1:30 minutes, your mileage will vary.
Inhale deeply but not quickly, then hold your breath for 10 seconds.
Repeat steps 3-6 for three or four rounds. Total of 90-160 breaths.
After your final round, hop in a cold shower. Put your whole damn body in there, move around. Do not just have the water hit one arm or side of your body. If the you feel the water warming up after a few seconds, turn it down. Try to stay in initially for at least 30 seconds (this is where the screaming like a girl comes in), over time try to work up to 3-5 minutes and maybe even use a little soap or shampoo to have something to do.

EVALUATION:

I have done this for seven days now. The breathing part has been easy and even enjoyable. I have to remember to slow down or hyperventilation makes me too light-headed (hence the floor). The cold shower is the hardest part and there has been alot of screaming. First day I only lasted about 20 seconds. After seven days I am up to 3 minutes and can get a fairly productive shower done in that time including taking the shower wand down and getting the cold all over.

No noticeable mental or physical benefits, but I didn’t expect to see/feel any. I have a distinct feeling of accomplishment. Of beating back the fear. Every day of practice makes it easier and builds overall confidence. Total morning time is about 7-8 minutes. It is actually less total time than my prior long hot lazy showers were. I think I will stick with it for the next month and re-evaluate. It adds very little overhead, has proven science upside, and delivers a daily small victory first thing in the morning. This one is a keeper for now.

As with all tools I write about here, your mileage may vary. I only pass along the ones I have personally found to be helpful or interesting or carry very little downside with fairly meaningful potential upside. I encourage your own examination and experimentation. Your path is your own and you have to take your own steps. But DO TAKE STEPS.

RESOURCES:

Becoming the Iceman